Narcissism: What It Is (and What It Isn’t)
If you spend any time on social media, you’ve probably seen words like gaslighting, trauma, or narcissist used everywhere. On the one hand, I love that people are talking more openly about mental health. On the other hand, I worry that these terms sometimes get stretched so far that they lose their true meaning.
When it comes to narcissism, this can be especially tricky. I want to be clear: narcissism is real, and it can be incredibly painful to be in a relationship with someone who consistently shows those patterns. At the same time, not everyone who is confident, proud of themselves, or has strong opinions is a narcissist.
What Narcissism Is
Narcissism is a personality pattern and relational style. At its core, it often looks like:
A sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.
A consistent need for admiration and validation.
Disregarding or minimizing other people’s feelings or perspectives.
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone showing these traits, you might find yourself wondering:
“Why am I always walking on eggshells?”
“Why do my needs never seem to matter?”
Those feelings are a signal that the relationship may not be emotionally safe or balanced.
What Narcissism Is Not
Sometimes the word “narcissist” gets applied to anyone who:
Feels confident or proud of an achievement.
Wants recognition once in a while.
Has strong preferences or opinions.
These are normal, healthy human traits. For example, saying “I worked really hard and I’m proud of what I accomplished” is confidence — not narcissism.
The Question I Hear Often
Something I hear from clients is: “Am I a narcissist?” And here’s why, most of the time, the answer is no: you care enough to ask the question.
Someone deeply entrenched in narcissistic patterns often isn’t wondering if they hurt people — they’re focused on how others are (or aren’t) meeting their needs. The very fact that you’re reflecting on how your behavior affects others usually points in the opposite direction.
Why the Distinction Matters
When we call everything narcissism, the word starts to lose its weight — and that can minimize the real harm that true narcissistic behaviors cause. It can also confuse people who are simply trying to understand normal relationship struggles.
At the same time, you don’t need a label to validate your feelings. If you often feel dismissed, invisible, or like you’re “too much” in a relationship, that’s important information on its own.
Final Thoughts
Narcissism is real. It’s painful. It can make relationships incredibly challenging. But not everyone who is confident, proud, or occasionally self-focused fits that category.
Tuning in to how you feel in relationships — safe, seen, respected… or small, silenced, overlooked — can give you more clarity than any label.
And if you find yourself wondering or struggling to make sense of your experiences, therapy can help you sort through what’s happening and what to do next.
